Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Summer Survival

If you've been living in a cave every summer since the  beginning of time, fear not. I have compiled a list of the most important things to remember this summer vacation. Whether you will be sitting at home in an inflatable kiddie pool, throwing waterballoons filled with Jell-o at your neighbors dog, or going on an exotic vacation, you will need to follow this survival guide to summer, or you face an almost certain horrible death.
PS: If you are indeed going on an exotic vacation, I hate you, and I hope you get molested by a fat man in a Speedo. 


10 THINGS TO AVOID THIS SUMMER: 

#1. Thong swimsuits

These should be banned from existence. Unless you're Kate Moss (Newsflash: You're not) they belong
in the bedroom and nowhere else. Absolutely under no circumstances should I see anyone's asscrack this summer. If I see it, don't be surprised when I superglue it closed. You have been warned. 



#2 Socks With Sandals

There is absolutely nothing attractive about "ninja turtle toes".  I don't know who started this devious act, but it needs to stop. NOW. If it's too cold to wear sandals without socks, then WEAR SHOES. I don't care what anyone says, there is no excuse for this bullshit. 

#3 Cranking Up Bad Music


Put away the ghetto blaster. No one wants to hear your shitty music. Whether it's at the beach, a bbq or the pool. Put on some damn headphones and have some damn respect for those around you. Not everyone believes Tupac is still alive. I'd rather let him rest in peace, thanks. 

#4 Letting Your Kids Be Rotten At The Pool

Summer time is for having fun, laughing and splashing in the pool. What kid doesn't love it? What adult doesn't love sitting on the pool deck, sipping a drink, enjoying a steamy novel? I know I do. Which is why I cannot be held responsible for what happens when you leave your kid unattended at the pool while you belly up to the bar. Rants From Mommyland had a great post about this, and I share their sentiments exactly. If your kid soaks me and doesn't apologize (or does it on purpose) I will have to fight the urge to not hold him under water till the bubbles stop.

#5 Getting Obnoxiously Wasted At Family Gatherings

I had hoped that I wouldn't have to actually tell people this. But after seeing three grown men at a hotel this weekend so wasted their kids wouldn't stand near them....I guess it has to be said. 
Whether you're a grown adult with children...or a young adult home from college...getting wasted at a family picnic or BBQ is just in bad taste. You will look like an ass, and you might accidentally put the moves on Aunt Edna. Shudder. 

#6 Lobster Chic Is Not Sexy 

Maybe you hadn't heard, but skin cancer isn't sexy on anyone. It's one thing to get a little too much sun, its quite another to let yourself fry to a crisp on purpose. Not only will you look like a moron, but it will hurt like hell too. And you will deserve it. Because I warned you. 

#7 Bringing Crappy Food To A Potluck

Summer is a time for barbeques, parties, company picnics and potlucks. Don't be the one who brings crappy food to the potluck. Don't bring in some old jelly beans when everyone else is crafting masterful recipes for the crockpot. If you can't cook, splurge on some fried chicken or potato salad. Just don't be the person who brings nothing but dollar store potato chips that are all broken, and expect to eat everyone else's good grub. 

#8 Leaving Kids And Pets In A Hot Car

This one isn't even joking around. DO NOT leave your kids or your pets in a car in the summer. You wouldn't put them in an oven would you? So help me the next person I see do this, I am going to break the window and set the kid or dog loose. Then I am going to wait till you come out of the store/gas station/casino and I am going to punch you right in the throat. I don't care how time consuming it is to remove the sleeping child from the carseat. There is NO excuse for this. Moving on. 


#9 Letting Your Boobs Runneth Over

When you get dressed in your bikini top that's three sizes two small, or your sundress without a bra....please remember the rest of us have a gag reflex, and we're not afraid to use it.  Unless your boobs were made in Hong Kong out of plastic, there is no excuse for going braless in public. ESPECIALLY if you're bigger than an A cup. 

#10 Neglecting Your Womanscaping


Do yourself a favor ladies, don't be a stranger to your razor. No one wants to see crazy leghair, an unkempt bikini line, or gorilla pits. Less clothes = more maintenance. It's a pain in the ass, but it's a fact of life. I don't want to have to wonder if thats a spider crawling out of your swimsuit. Nair is your friend. 




And that's all for now kids. This friendly list of Summer Don'ts is brought to you by Mama Kat's Writing Prompts. Thanks for stopping by. Enjoy your summer responsibly. 



8 comments:

  1. LMAO. A great list. I am not guilty on all counts. Except maybe #1 but only once and for a fancy (un)dress party.

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  2. I'm going on an extended vacation to an exotic location. It's in Botswana. So maybe I wanna get molested by a lobster burnt fat man with AIDS in a Speedo (or a thong swimsuit)...no I don't, not really. But maybe I'll get malaria!

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  3. So wrong. Remind me never to host a fancy party. :)

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  4. I love it!!! I do remember a certain graduation ceremony where we were 'Lobster Chic". On a side note there is a select population at the U that loves to showcase their ninja turtle toes....I even had to work with one as a student AGHHHHHHHHHHHH

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  5. lolol! Too funny! I loved this post! Such a great sense of the comedic! Great post, Rose :-)

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  6. Thanks Teresa! Glad I was able to make you laugh.

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  7. Yea, which one was that? Didn't we go tanning before hand for like the whole day? LOL The whole sandals and socks thing is bad enough, but to make them flip flops is absolutely an abomination.

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