Saturday, May 28, 2011

LIfe's A Bitch...And Then You Marry One.

It's that time of year again...the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping and the maniacal brides have begun their annual decent, plunging their bedazzled talons into many an unsuspecting salesperson.

Bridezilla (n.): a perfectionist and extremely difficult bride. See also: acquired situational narcissism.

As someone who has worked in the customer service industry for longer than I would care to admit, I have worked with countless women who go absolutely bezerk over their "fairy tale wedding".  I did stints at both JC Penny's and Herberger's in their bridal registry department in college. Apparently I have some sort of masochistic tendencies.

All too often, someone looks at one the wrong way, and then the ground opens beneath them, and falling into a firey pit of torment as the Mrs-to-be devours their head and then does a lovely waltz on their charred remains. It's terrifying to look one in the eye. I don't recommend you try it.

Now, certainly not ALL of the would-be aisle walkers are like this. There are many that are totally sane, but sadly for the most part, something about impending nuptials makes even the most laid-back woman into a sociopath.

Currently, I am in charge of production at a large, national printing and shipping retailer that shall remain nameless I would like to pass along some pearls of wisdom. Consider them something borrowed. Read on:

1.  No one is going to notice the slight variation in your invitations. You asked for Eggplant printing, it turned out slightly more aubergine. Only you will see this. Everyone else is going to throw the damn thing in the trash immediately following their debauchery at your reception.

2. In case you haven't noticed, the world did not stop spinning the moment you licked the last stamp on your save-the-dates.  Life goes on, and people still have real business to attend to. No. I cannot stop running litigation for a large court case, because you have finally decided that you prefer the ivory paper versus the ecru.

3. Fairy tales don't exist. I know this may come as a shock to you, so you might want to sit down...the wedding planning is not the hardest, nor most important part of the marriage. You might wanna look into that given the current divorce rate in our country. Instead of fretting over whether your guests would prefer beef wellington or prime rib, you might want to look at the person your marrying, and ponder whether you're marrying him for love, or just the princess dress (or in my case, the mixer!) And I don't want to hear that old excuse of "well planning a wedding is just SOOOO stressful."  I'd like to point out that if planning a fucking party stresses you out this much, how the hell are you going to handle the ups and downs of matrimony??

4. You know that guy that stands at the end of the aisle waiting for you? He's called a groom. Guess what? The party ain't just about you and your fancy dress. He's there too. Because the poor shmuck loves you.  So I suggest you remember that he is planning on being around for the next 90 years or so. It's NOT all about YOU. When I hear a bride say something like "It's MY special day" or "My wedding will be..." it makes me want to crawl out of my skin and shove the bouquet up her pretentious ass. It's "OUR" special day. Because I got news for you. A wedding without a groom, is just a ridiculously overpriced party and almost definitely a surefire oneway ticket into the nut house.

5. Your temper tantrums are not cute, nor funny. You may not know this, but people are secretly wishing a painful and disfiguring plague upon you at this very moment.

While I try to be as helpful as possible to all my clients, it's the ones that get ridiculously obsessed that drive me batty. Perhaps I should try to convince more people to elope?

Have you had a run-in with a wildebeest with severe PMS bride? Was it a friend whose wedding you were in? Or a total stranger on a rampage? It's ok. I won't tell her, but if it makes you feel safer you can post anonymously.


  1. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You. A woman with both feet planted firmly on Terra Firma. I have to agree with everything you posted here. BTW I love the pic. Unfortunately your comments would not permit me to upload a pic of my fave wedding cake.

  2. Glad you liked it! The picture is actually Shanna Moakler's "Divorce Cake" from when she divorced Travis Barker....I just thought it captured the sentiment. :)