Can You Hear Me NOW?

If I shove that smart phone up your ass, will it make you smarter?

 What's that? I'm having trouble hearing you.

In the miraculous age of technology that we live in, we are truly lucky to have such advancements. There's devices beyond our wildest dreams, that will do everything but the dishes...and even then, there's probably a fucking app for that too.

I love my phone. If I forget it one day, I feel naked without it. I don't talk on it as much as I used to, but I do text like a teeny bopper. I update Facebook, Twitter, and even track traffic on my blog. (It's called Rose And The City, have you heard of it?) There's nothing wrong with having a love affair with technology...until you cross that thin line of sanity. And then all hell breaks loose. There's a time and a place for that shit kids.

On a regular basis, I get clients in my store who walk up to the counter, yakking their head off with the phone attached to their ear (or worse, those ridiculous headsets....some even have them in all day, regardless if they are talking to someone. HEY JERKOFF, YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT!) They walk up in mid gab-fest and stare at me, as if somehow I am supposed to telepathically know what it is they want, when they can't shut up long enough to tell me. 

So I ignore them. Hoping they will get the fucking hint. Usually they get all huffy and say ridiculous things like "UM HELLOOOOO, is anyone WORKING here?" Generally I act surprised, and say something like "Oh, I'm sorry, I saw you were on a very important call, no doubt because you are a VERY important person. I didn't want to be RUDE and interrupt your UNBELIEVABLY IMPORTANT PHONE CALL." What chafes my butt even more, is when I am working...doing my job, running equipment, and they glare at me with   immense hatred because I am making too much noise. 

Do you want to know my other pet peeve involving cell phones? No? Tough luck, cause I am going to tell you anyway. What's worse than hearing one end of a cell phone conversation? Give up? It's when the dickbag puts the call on SPEAKERPHONE so you have to listen to BOTH ENDS. Someone get me a hatchet, will you? 

"AND I WUZ LIKE OH EM GEE, BECKY! IDK WHAT TO DO ABOUT THIS RASH, DO YOU THINK I SHOULD LIKE, GO TO THE DOCTOR? I MEAN WTF WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS TALKING TO YOU LIKE THAT ABOUT AVACADOS. WHAT A LOOOOSER. OH MY GAWD!"

We've all become so dependent on these devices that almost no one can make it through a real live in person conversation without fidgeting with their phone, texting, sexting, or updating their Facebook status. Drives me crazy. My idea for a solution is to just start slapping phones out of people's hands. At least then it will be out of commission for a while. 

Are you guilty of these cellular offenses? Do they make you want to punch babies? Do you think the diabolical cell phone take-over will ever end, or am I gonna have to choke a bitch?