Friday, June 10, 2011

It Doesn't Suck...Your Review Does!

Ladies and gents...if you're going to go through the trouble of writing a review for a product or service, do you think you could find it deep within your soul to at least make it useful for the reader?

I am in the process of trying to buy a car as you may have read in my post World's First Virtual Bake Sale. As a prudent shopper (aka: a broke ass who needs to buy something that is going to last!) I am someone who scours the interwebs for data. I spend hours reading stats, research, and most importantly, reviews.

Now, I know enough about reviews, having read them for nearly every purchase I make over $50.00 to know that there's going to be helpful reviews...and not so helpful ones. But there are times when the crazies come out, and write ridiculous reviews that leave me going "uh....what?"

As we all know, going into a car dealership to buy a car and going over every grain of your financial past, is about as comfortable as getting prodded by a proctologist. Their cold, unforgiving utensils poke around your most intimate crevices as you sit uncomfortably praying it will all end soon. You don't want to suffer through this for no reason, so you likely try to do your research before hand to make sure it is all worth your time.

While scouring the depths of the web for more information on the 2008 Scion TC I am considering buying, I came across some real lemons. And I'm not talking about the car. I am talking about the reviews.

I tend to skip over some of the good reviews, and look for ones that did not rate the product highly, because I want to know what are the potential pitfalls of purchasing this vehicle. So I pull up a review with zero stars, titled "Falls Apart!". Of course, this caught my attention, so I read the review to see just how horrid this car could be. The text of the review is as follows, completely unedited. Stick with me here:

"I've owned this car for more than 2 years and there always an issue. The original tires made the car lower than my previous car. So when I park head on, the high curb started pulling out the undercover. Next thing you know, my entire bumper is messed up because its attached to the undercover. A few months down the road, I had to replace all 4 tires after 35K miles. So when I finally fixed that, I hit a garbage bin which knock off my passenger side mirror. Then a couple months, the car wash "professional" managed to break off the rear hatchback garnish/handle when he cleaning the back. Next thing you know I hit a gutter/driveway and my undercover is bent. This car has been a headache."

Here's an idea: STOP RUNNING INTO SHIT. 

The review here is not a review of the car, how the craftsmanship is, etc...all this review tells me is that the person driving it needs to have their license revoked, because they are obviously incapable of operating a vehicle without smashing it into things. The only useful piece of information here is that the stock tires are bad, but I had to find that out through reading other reviews, because after reading this one, I assumed that the person who write it simply ran over a porcupine.

Opinion: "This car sucks big time!" 
Fact: "You are incapable of operating a vehicle, because apparently you seem to think it magically has spawned it's own gravitational pull"

Folks, the point here is that the review above is essentially useless. If you are going to write a good review, stick to the facts, and then give your opinion. Is the information relevant? Is the product really the problem, or is it your incompetence? If you are going to take the time to write a review, then at least make sure it's going to be helpful for the people you are writing it for!

This also goes for the "star rating system". Make sure the number of "stars" (or check marks, or butterflies or whatever the hell the visual rating model is) correlates to the actual opinion of the review. Another review I read ranted about how it was the worst lemon of a car they ever owned (on and on and on) and then proceeded to give it a 3-star review. Um....if a 3-star rating angers you so deeply it has you spitting bullets and punching babies...what the hell is a 1-star rating? 

If you can't possibly write a level headed, informative review...then either wait until you have stopped steaming long enough to write a coherent sentence...or simply don't write it period. You're only making yourself look like an asshole who should probably be driving a Vespa with training wheels. 

For the reasons listed above, Mr. Random Internet Reviewer Dude, I give your review zero stars.


  1. Hilarious!
    I hate the ones who give a very good product only one or two stars because shipping took longer than they thought it should, or they didn't like the design on the box.

    I'm going to give my local grocery store only one star because the food I purchase only lasts a couple of days. Then I have to buy more. I think it's a pretty slick scam.

  2. Hahahaha totally! I give this car 1 star because every so often, I have to fill it with gas.

    The thing people don't understand with shipping ( I work in the industry) is that they will call up screaming that they asked for overnight delivery, and its not there overnight and they NEEEEEEEEED it. Then I look at it, and it was never actually given to the shipping company for shipment by the sender. We can't exactly deliver something we don't have can we? We're not that magical. :)