Thursday, June 16, 2011


Dear California-

How are you? It's been a while since I saw you last, we should get together again real soon. Let's maybe invite Vegas as long as she can keep her top on.

But that is neither here, nor there. The reason I am writing you today, is in regards to the "overcrowding" problem in some of your jails and prisons. It seems that you are having a bit of a crime surplus. This is bad. From what I hear you are letting some redundant recidivists get away with all too much these days. You would think you would have learned by now, that the less "correction" people get (aka: little to no jail time and proverbial slaps on the wrist) then they will keep committing crimes, because, why not? They obviously lack common sense and self control. This becomes a vicious cycle, because you have to keep releasing felons due to your "overcrowding" only to have them out in society...lo and behold...committing more crimes. And on and on till the end of time. But woe is you, California, because there is simply no room in your jails. What is a state to do?

Well lucky you California. Meet my friend Minnesota. Minnesota is a Sagittarius who likes long walks on the beach, and Labradoodles, and hot who am I kidding. Minnesota is a frigid, mosquito infested planet of hell. BUT...we do have something you might be interested in....we have a surplus of jail cells...

Yes, California, you read that right. Minnesota may be willing to help you out...for a price. We have too many jail cells and not enough inmates to fill them all. So we have jails that won't even be opening due to this undercrowding epidemic. Currently we have at least 3,000 empty jail cells. So send them over.

Now, my fellow Minnesotans are probably screaming at their computers saying "WHAT ARE YOU NUTS?" They are all likely worried that we are going to have absolute anarchy when all those inmates either A: escape prison or B: are finally released AFTER serving their full sentence.

Hear me out Minnesota! Let's think about this: if you are from California, the land of perfect weather...why in the name of everything holy would you want to escape prison in Minnesota to go flopping around in -20 below freezing weather with snow up to your asscrack? You wouldn't! Why would you want to escape your nicely air conditioned cell to sweat your balls off in 100% mosquito-laced humidity? NEVER!

Now you see my point. And as far as the ones who serve their time and are released? They are going to be going back to Cali, Cali, Cali on the first Amtrak or Greyhound, faster than you can say "Tupac Shakur"

And keep in mind that Minnesota isn't the only state with an excess of prison cells, so when we get full, you have your choice of wonderful states such as Virginia and more! Word is that there are many prison cots that sit empty, and many incarcerated man-bears have waited dozens of long and lonely nights for a nice nubile roommate to cozy up to.

So pony up the dough Cali, and we will open our iron gates and part the barbed razor wire for your feisty felons. Don't keep Bubba waiting....

Love, your bestie:


  1. In defense of Minnesota (which I've never visited), you Do have Prince.

    This story has sort of a ring of familiarity. Wasn't MN offering to take prisoners from Gitmo? Well, be that as it may, why should they ask for help when they can simply keep releasing bad guys back into the population? Are you offering any "incentives"?

  2. I am not sure that Prince is a plus...
    We may have been offering to take prisoners from Gitmo. I am not exactly up on my current events sadly, so I am not sure, but I could see it happening.
    The lack of bad guys in the population is supposed to be the incentive. :)