Friday, July 1, 2011

Letter To Our Exes

Before I show you the final letter, I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who commented, shared and re-tweeted my post asking for your submissions. It has been my most popular, most read post EVER. That is so incredible, and so is the final result. Finally, you all get the last word. This was your chance to say the things you couldn't say, or didn't say for whatever reason. The stories are yours, the words are yours...and I couldn't be happier for all my readers banding together to make this happen. I got so many responses, I had to break it into two posts.
Without further is our Letter To Our Exes PART ONE:

To Our Exes....You know who you are: 

     It's been so many years ago now but i still cant quite understand why you ended things.  I mean, there are many reasons with the long distance that made it hard but we were engaged, things seemed perfect and then out of the blue you ran without a real explanation of why you felt it was over?  

     No one wants to hurt another persons feelings but dont you think i deserve to know what went wrong? Heartbreak sucks regardless and the pain will always be with me i think however closure is easier when you can identify the problem ... with the unknown you are only left to make a bunch of assumptions that always leave a person wondering... maybe this, maybe that...

     I was angry, very angry.. then I was sorry.. for what I dont know?  And mostly I'm just hurt because I feel responsible and confused.  We've both moved on and nothing will change in regards to that however an explanation would really have helped.  

     I wish I knew why... still...
     Just because you knock on the door of the practice facility and announce that you are the new quarterback of the Green Bay Packers doesn't mean you actually are.  To be named quarterback of the Packers, or starting pitcher for the Cardinals, or forward for the Lakers, you have to work hard for many years, as well as exhibit some degree of talent.

     Similarly, just because you say you are father to kids that aren't biologically yours doesn't make it so, no matter how vehemently you insist.  You have to prove yourself through years of coaching and practice practice practice.

     Sorry you didn't make the team.  Sadly, you showed yourself not to be much of a team player.
     I never loved you anyway. 

     You know that when I said neither of us could be dating anyone when you came home that I would hold to it. You said you'd "endeavor" to not date anyone. Wow, you really should have been a contract lawyer.

     So I held out for three months and passed up on at least three other people in that time. Not even in the one-night-stand kind of way, but with the possibility of a meaningful relationship. 

     Two days before you're on your way home and after an intentionally worded phone call on my end, you email me to say you're dating someone and plans for spending time with me would be changed. Way to be courageous.

     I met up with you anyway to give you the gifts I'd put a lot of time, effort and money into making possible for you. I didn't give them to you as a token of forgiveness, even though I thought I did. It turns out I couldn't stand them staring me in the face.

     Why not return them? Because I had to order them far in advance to get them to my house on time. One, which I had researched thoroughly, had to be shipped directly from Europe. The shipping cost five times as much as the gift itself. The other was also very personal and difficult to find. I wanted to make sure I got one before their stock ran out.

     After the years of history behind us, my confession (which you surely already knew) that I loved you, months of holding out and having my heart broken worse than it ever had been, you get engaged to the person you just met about four months later.

     I now realize that all the years of pining after you was mostly wasted effort. You never had any intention of coming back to me in any kind of meaningful way. You loved having someone dote on you and could never stand to be out of a relationship. After that last incident, I think I understand what many of your exes said about you being "robotic." You broke the news and then acted like it wasn't going to be a big deal. Thanks for seriously considering my feelings.

     You were not worth my time, or my tears. 

     In the last 5 years, I have received less than $300 in financial support from you. Oh, and I think you bought a pack of diapers once. I have provided food for the kids on the weekends you took them because you were too broke to buy it.  I worked two jobs while we were married to try and support all of us. I worked my ass off and worked away a year and a half of time I could have spent with my babies, because of your actions.
     I don't care about your money. I've gone this long without it, and I sure as hell could care less about getting it now. And I could also care less about making your life easier, because you never cared about doing it for me or my kids.  You exposed them to things that they never should have been exposed to, you have caused them way more heartbreak than they should ever know at this age, and now, even THEY have given up on you. You haven't been there for anything important to them. And at this point, you don't even know who they are anymore. Keeping track of someone through facebook status updates or pictures hardly qualifies you to be a father. You are the equivalent of a stranger to them now. And I don't send my kids to spend weekends with strangers.
     At this point, you have two choices. The first is to keep racking up the fee you are paying to have someone else raise your children. I have no intention on signing that paper just to make your life easier, after all the shit you've put me through.  The only way you are going to get out of paying any more child support for my kids, is if you go with option number two. And that is to let Arick adopt the kids. Then, on top of not having to accrue anymore child support obligations, you can also have a perfect excuse to stop pretending to have that cloud of guilt over your head about not seeing my kids. Because it's quite clear that you really don't give a shit, and that your priorities are out of order, or these amazing little human beings would be the first priority in your life.  And since I would be doing you such a huge favor by taking that financial and emotional weight off your shoulders, you can pay for the adoption fees.  Or you can just keep paying child support going to jail.
     Then, after you stop accruing child support, you should use the extra money to get yourself fixed so that no one else has to put up with this bullshit.  If you really insist on having more kids that don't get to have a real dad, Google 'sperm bank'.  Not that I'm recommending spreading your genes around any more than you already have.

     You.....were an abusive alcoholic asshole. You treated me and the kids like crap. I mean, for crying out loud, you got thrown out of the hospital the day after OUR SON was born because you were wasted and acting like a dickhead! I gave you so many chances - I put you through rehab and stood by your side when everyone else told me to run away as fast as I could. I could still see the glimmer of the man that you could have been. But on that last day that we were together, when you pulled a knife out in front of the kids and scared the crap out of all of us - that was the end. I kicked you out, and I never looked back.

     Two years later, 20 days after our divorce was final, you died. YOU FUCKING DIED. How in the hell could you do that? How could you leave our son without a father? You could have changed. You could have cleaned up your act, but instead, at the age of 46, you drank yourself to death.

     I'm pissed at you. You chose booze over your family, and you left us to clean up the mess. I don't know that I can ever forgive you for that one. I've tried, but I just can't do it.

     I have one thing to say to you. SCREW YOU.
Stay tuned tomorrow for the conclusion, Part Two!


  1. Wow....amazing! What a fabulous idea to combine them all. I wasn't sure how you were going to do it, but I really like it!

    Good job!

  2. Wow indeed.
    It's interesting and kind of comforting to see that so many of us have had roughly the same experiences... only the names are changed.
    Good stuff.

  3. I had a dream last night about the person in my submission, kind of rattled me. It still feels good to know my gripe is out there, though. I kind of kept it buried in there without any kind of resolution. I still don't have any resolve with the person in question, but this helped. Thanks for the post.

  4. Unfortunately it probably will never be resolved for anyone...but sometimes just getting it out there brings a bit of relief. Thanks for contributing! :)

  5. Glad you enjoyed it Rebecka. Part two comes out tomorrow with the second half of the letter. So many submissions!!
    I am glad to hear you say you find it kind of comforting, because that was part of my goal...none of us are alone, and there are varying degrees of awfulness in past relationships. But hopefully it brings some peace to people to read this. :) Thanks for reading!

  6. Thanks Amy! I wasn't sure how I was going to do it either, till it just kinda started working out. Part two comes out tomorrow, and that will be the second half of the letter. Good stuff in there too!!!
    Thanks for reading!

  7. Out of curiosity: what do you think were the percentages of men/women submissions?

    Thanks for printing mine (I'm the Green Bay Packers). Seeing it in print has helped me push it a bit farther back on the emotional shelf, where it belongs.

  8. Glad to help Sharyn! I published every single one I got. I didn't want to exclude anyone from the opportunity...thats why it had to be broken down into two posts! The second one will be posted tomorrow.
    From the people who told me that they submitted or from them referring to stuff "he" did, I believe most of them were women but I know there were at least a few men too.