Saturday, March 13, 2010

Chicken Fingers for the Single Person's Soul

Dating sucks.

Don't get me wrong, being single is great...relationships are great. I am talking about "actively" dating around. The endless, mind-numbing strings of first dates and blind dates just wear on me quickly. How many times can you talk about where you work (especially if you have a temporary, bullshit job like me), the weather and meaningless chitchat? What's worse is if you have female intuition telling you to RUN for the hills...and you ignore it.

On that note, I have a few complaints with the male species. I don't mean to single out men, because TRUST ME, I know dealing with a woman can be like sitting in a closet with a dozen angry wolverines...but lately some of these "dates" I have been going on have been begging for a kick in the groin. As I talked about in my last post, it seems the consensus amongst men of my generation are not interested in "purchasing the bovine", but merely "procuring the complementary dairy products" as they say. Specifically it seems there's an assumption about us "curvy" ladies, one that we must all be desperate spinsters who are easy prey. Not so my friend. There are many perks to dating a fat girl. Large boobs is just the beginning (unless you are my darling friend Margo, who's so awesome in every other aspect, God couldn't give her jugs in fairness to the rest of us!) Us "voluptuous ladies also tend to be good cooks (never trust a skinny chef!) And most importantly...we obviously don't starve ourselves, so you can bet we won't order a salad and be all pissed off all night cause we're ravenous!

Ok, so...maybe I am taking it a little too far. Sue me. Or don't. The point is, not everyone is a super model. In fact, there's a ridiculous double standard that comes with weight. (and...of course many other things, but thats for another post!) It is possible to be pretty, handsome, and attractive even if you're overweight. Everyone has their own preferences. I've always found bigger guys attractive even when I wasn't heavier myself.

Anyway, the rambling, incoherent point of this post is...Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Maybe that is something we curvy girls say to make ourselves feel better. Deal with it. Regardless...for anyone who is struggling with their self image like I have for years, I leave you with these wise words. Learn to LOVE yourself. You're all you have. Find your beauty, inside or out and cherish it. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, thats their problem. You can fix fat, or grey hair, wrinkles, cellulite, acne and even ugly. But as Tater Salad himself once said, you can't fix stupid. Not sure where I was going with that...but I don't have to make sense. It's MY blog. So there.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Excuse Me Sir, But I Can See You're Nuts.

Oh the puns.

Seriously though, have you ever met someone who is five kinds of crazy? Usually you first tell yourself that they are just quirky or unique.

"He's just got the CUTEST little habit..."

Then you realize that the person in question makes you want to punch yourself in the groin and poke out your own eyeballs with frustration.

This particular post, we are going to focus on "frustration". As most of you know, (and it shouldn't be a surprise. Yuk yuk yuk) I am currently single and (sorta) looking. Now, this frustration in question is not of my own, but my date from Sunday night.

First date goes FANTASTICALLY well. Sure he's a little quirky, maybe even borderline weird, but super nice, and hey...I like quirky right? So the date ends and he's asked me out a second time...and before the second date has even occurred...a third.

SUPER! Silly me thinks this is great! No problems here...Till the second date which occurred on Sunday. Apparently the "three date rule" has been hastened to TWO dates. This fella was that we hit the sheets halfway through date #2. Sorry pal, not happening.

The words that follow this, were of course after he left because "he was tired" and later blamed several things for his odd behavior. #1: My dog ("he's too big to live in my condo so we couldn't live together") #2: My dog again ("He's scary and he humped my leg") and my personal favorite #3: "Well, you're making sex too important. It's frustrating because I want it."

Perhaps I am missing a link in the male logic, but it would seem that HE in fact, is the one making sex too important.

After a lengthy and mature (it's ME of course, would you expect anything less?) conversation online about the no-sex predicament, he stated matter-of-factly that he would "rather be just friends" until I was willing to hop in the sack with him.

I try generally to avoid text-speak but only three letters can possibly sum up this guy:

W-T-F? all the men out there, let's keep the blinding douchebaggery to a minimum shall we?

And ladies...if you meet one of these inexcusable dipshits, please feel free to punch them right in the junk. At least it will incapacitate them long enough to keep from trying to hump your leg.

"Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here..."

Back in Action

After an extended hiatus I have decided to be back in action with this ever-thrilling blog. Does anyone read this? Probably not, but hey, it keeps me amused and that's all that matters.

Despite the misleading byline, I am no longer a resident of Long Island. As a matter of fact, I am back in the Twin Cities as of last July. Somehow, "Rose and the Cities" just didn't have the same copyright infringing ring to it.

Life has come at me fast the last few months since returning to Minnesota. On February 5th I lost my grandmother, Nana, one of the single most important people in my life. She was more than a grandmother, she was a mother, a confidant and a best friend. Things have been difficult dealing with that, but I am doing my best to do right by her and make her proud, because she was involved in EVERY aspect of my life when she was here with us (as anyone who knew her would agree!) I know that she will continue to make sure that I am on track with my life.

So, if you're not asleep yet, stay tuned, because there's sure to be something interesting lurking in the shadows.