Summer Survival

If you've been living in a cave every summer since the  beginning of time, fear not. I have compiled a list of the most important things to remember this summer vacation. Whether you will be sitting at home in an inflatable kiddie pool, throwing waterballoons filled with Jell-o at your neighbors dog, or going on an exotic vacation, you will need to follow this survival guide to summer, or you face an almost certain horrible death.

PS: If you are indeed going on an exotic vacation, I hate you, and I hope you get molested by a fat man in a Speedo. 

Going Gaga

Put your paws up, cause baby...I was NOT born this way....

I was reading Lady Gaga's tweets the other day. I noticed that she refers to all of her fans as Monsters. As in "Thanks to all my little monsters who came out to the show". It actually made me laugh out loud, and got me thinking. And now...I'm going Gaga.

Can You Hear Me NOW?

If I shove that smart phone up your ass, will it make you smarter?

 What's that? I'm having trouble hearing you.

LIfe's A Bitch...And Then You Marry One.

It's that time of year again...the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping and the maniacal brides have begun their annual decent, plunging their bedazzled talons into many an unsuspecting salesperson.

Bridezilla (n.): a perfectionist and extremely difficult bride. See also: acquired situational narcissism.

That's Not Chocolate....aka: The Story of Why I'm Not Black

This may come as a shock to you, but once upon a time, I was a very sweet and innocent little girl.
(pause for laughter to stop)

No, seriously. I was.

I was born on a Thursday morning. Really fucking early. None of this is relevant. What is relevant however, is that I was born with a birthmark on my left upper arm. This small brown circle has caused so much issue in my life, its actually rather ridiculous. We will stick to the point here and discuss the important fact, of how it's really not chocolate. And why I am not black.

Friday's Smile of The Day

It's finally Friday! Be glad you're not a canary. 

These Are My Confessions Part One...

So, Usher had the right idea a few years back when he came out with his Confessions album.

What's wrong with just putting all the cards out on the table? I think it only fair to give adequate warning about what kind of person I really am. The deep down, nitty-gritty truth. So raw it's goddamn sushi.

Thursday's Smile Of The Day

Thursday's Smile is a lovely NSFW bedtime story for grownups. If you have ever tried to put a child to bed, you know it's often like trying to put trousers on a rabid unicorn. If you do not chuckle at this, I am fairly certain you have lost your funnybone. 

It's almost Friday!!

Be An Asshole, Just Don't Drive Like One.

We are all guilty of occasionally being an inattentive driver. You're feeling around in your purse for your cell phone when it rings, or yelling at your kids in the backseat, or eating a burger, or making a call. I am even guilty of the occasional makeup application in the rear-view mirror. But some people take their downtime during their driving commute a little too far. Sometimes the things people do while driving are incredibly dangerous...sometimes they are just fucking weird.

Wednesday's SOTD

Just when you thought it was safe to go outside....

You made it halfway through the work week. Surely that deserves a raise? 

Push My Buttons

Hello all you fabulous people! What would you say if I told you that you could have my sexy ass face on your blog page? You'd say "HELL YEAH, WHERE DO I SIGN UP!?"

Small Appliances: A Love Affair

If I let you in on a secret, do you promise not to think of me any differently? I am an alright chef, and a decent baker, but I have a secret love...

Tuesday's Smile Of The Day

Smile! You made it through Monday! Happy Tuesday everyone!

Monday's SOTD

Monday's Smile of The Day. A bit late, but too bad.
This comes from the awesome folks at http://www.someecards.com/. The pefect virtual cards for any occasion.

If You Can't Be An Athlete, Be An Athletic Supporter!

Everyone has heard the term "Starving Artist". While I can't say I am starving (I am a big girl, it would be sort of obvious that something was amiss) I can say that I am lucky to have a steady job in this economy...but I don't like it.

It's not that I hate my job. It's just that it does not involve my interests or passions, such as writing and art. I would LOVE to be able to someday quit my job and simply write, draw and paint full time. Unless I win the lotto (and to win it, I would probably have to play it) that isn't likely going to happen.

Got Block?

I am currently suffering from writer's block. Or as I like to call it, "mental constipation". I have the urge to write, but no specific ideas on what to write about. As much as I want it to, nothing comes out. Unfortunately they don't have Ex-Lax or Colace for the brain. I just want to get all the words out that are just clogged up in there.

Sunday's SOTD

Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words, and that's best because pictures can't be used against you in court, right?

Saturday's Smile Of The Day

Are we all still here?
Ok good. Just making sure.
Since you might be feeling a little left out, here's something to make you smile.
It's The Oatmeal's Interpretation of Rapture 2011

Good Words...Gone Bad.

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!" ~ Ralph Wiggum

 Every once in a while, someone will open their mouth, or update their Facebook status, and there it is: the glaring grammatical deficiency, oratory oversight or caustic cliché that grates on my nerves. Sometimes it's a word that does not exist in the English language. Occasionally it is a botched interpretation of a phrase where people are too annoyed to bother correcting the speaker.

The Circle of Life

Not the Real Loki...

My cat, Loki jumps up off the couch out of a sound sleep. Bolts across the room and promptly pukes his guts out on the carpet. Awesome. After he's done hurking, before I can even get to the paper towels, the dog is there trying to eat it.

Friday's Smile of The Day

Friday's smile of the day. Reminding everyone that being unique is great, as long as you're not a mangled piece of crap. Just sayin'.

Thursday's Smile Of The Day

For Thursday's smile, I found this on College Humor.com. It made me think about my two favorite men, Ben and Jerry, and what would happen if their empire crumbled....Like cookies. Mmmm, cookies.

Share and Share Alike

When I was a kid, I was always taught to share. Share your toys, share your snack, share a secret.
I was an only child till I was six years old, so when I suddenly had a brother, then another a few years later, sharing became an important part of my childhood...and I hated it.

Wednesday's SOTD

In case you weren't aware, the Playstation Network was hacked several weeks ago and was down indefinitely so they could repair it. This means millions of young adults went without any video games for weeks.(Unless of course they also had an Xbox.)  During which time, the US located and exterminated Osama Bin Laden. Coincidence? If Facebook ever went down for a few weeks, productivity would skyrocket, we'd have a cure for cancer and AIDs within the first week, and we would have moon colonies and hydrogen powered cars that doubled as personal robot servants by the second!
Happy Wednesday!

Let's Get Political

Before I scare everyone away with this title, and worse, this photo, let me explain: I am NOT going to try to sway your political beliefs in this post. My intent is merely to raise awareness of our growing political problem.

Shit My Dog Has Eaten

This is our dog Bear. Bear has been known to get into quite a bit of mischief throughout his three and a half years of life. This dog will eat anything not nailed down and some things that are. I named him Bear when I got him as a widdle puppers because he looked like a roly poly bear cub. Turns out the name was appropriate even with age, because now he forages like a damn bear.



Tuesday's SOTD

Tuesdays are not nearly as good as Friday. 

This saddens me. Three more days left in the work week? Bring on those robots.

Getting to know "Alexa"

For those of you who don't know, or  who are not a serious blogger, there is a company called Alexa that in short, basically ranks all of the websites on the internet (or at least the important ones anyway, haha) by order of traffic to that site.

Monday's SOTD

Mondays are gross. That's why as an extra special smile today, I give you a disgustingly adorable puppy.
Mondays tend to be far too serious. Unless your serious face looks like this, you should probably trade it in for something better.

Happy Monday!

She's Probably Not Born With It

No one is born perfect.
As much as some people truly want to believe they are...they are not. Makeup was invented to cover up imperfections and enhance the good features. No one has mile long eyelashes and perfectly pouty lips that are naturally red and glossy...even celebrities wear elaborate makeup to hide their flaws, and overly playup other features.

Sunday's SOTD

It's a BEAYOUUTEEFUL day today. The sun is shining, the breeze is gently blowing and the birds are freakin annoying. But hey, I definitely can't complain after the shitty rainy crap we have been getting here.

Haters Gonna Hate

Sometimes "adults" do childish things. Like make a futile attempt to be a hater. They see someone doing something that they enjoy, and they try to squash it with their negativity. 

Sometimes it works. Other times....they fail. 

Sometimes people who obviously have nothing better going on in their lives post a link attempting to mock you and your blog on Fark.com.

PS: Thanks for the free advertising and the additional blog traffic today. :)

Saturday's SOTD

This oldie but goodie must be resurrected. Since Darrell came up in a discussion at work, and I miss quoting it with Lou, I bring to you Can I Have Your Number?

This video never fails to crack me up, thinking of every game-lacking moron who has ever hit on me at the mall, at work, or anywhere else. Thank goodness I am no longer single. Seriously.

How I Met Margo...

Lately I have been reminiscing on my time spent living in New York a couple years ago. Whenever I think of New York (and how I want to go back and visit this summer) I always think of my friend Margo and the hilarious story of our first interaction at the office.

LET THERE BE MERCH!

Hot off the Cafe Press, get your very own Officially Rose and The City Merchandise. 

Many different items and designs to choose from!

And let's not forget the stinky, whiny, members of the family unit: 

Something for everyone. Come check it out at http://www.cafepress.com/RoseAndTheCity . I will also be adding designs periodically and will be open to suggestions for designs/quotes as well!

FINALLY Friday's SOTD

Today's Smile of The Day is brought to late by Blogger, and the letter L. And the number i-haven't-gotten-out-of-my-pajamas-yet.

Thursday's SOTD

First off a big THANK YOU to everyone who reads/subscribes to Rose And The City. I reached a small milestone today of 1000 pageviews. Thank you all for being a part of it!

Enough with the mushy junk and on with the smiles!!

Wednesday's SOTD

Wednesday's smile is a much needed one after the earlier heavy hitting post.

This is why you should probably not drink and go streaking. Of course, thats usually the only time streaking sounds like a great plan...

We Want You Sick!

Some of you may find this a little "out there".  You may find my ideas to be crazy conspiracy theories, but I hope that you can keep an open mind long enough to hear me out. There is indeed a major crisis in healthcare as we know it today. It's not that many people cannot afford health care (which is a totally different discussion all together). The problem with our health care system is that it's not health care at all. This may seem crazy to you...but what we have in this country is sick care. We have a nation controlled by drug companies that want to keep you sick. 

Before you go closing the page...hear me out. If after reading it you still think I am crazy, then you have merely wasted a few minutes of your time. But my hope is that it will light a spark in you to be curious, and start asking questions. 

Tuesday's Smile Of The Day

It's Tuesday, and I have nothing interesting to say today. My bronchitis is finally clearing up, and I am tired and worn out as a half price hooker. 

Today I bring you a piece of awesome from our dainty neighbor to the north. Without further ado, I present you with some Canadian Beaver. 

Smile Of The Day

I'm going to MAKE you smile, damnit!

So many people I know, whether it be via Facebook, blog or Twitter do some kind of post of the day. Photo of the day, Song of the day, cabbage recipe of the day, annoying whine of the day, etc. I have resisted from doing these, for the sake of everyone, but I have decided tough luck for you all. I am giving in to the peer pressure.

SUPER AWESOME NEWS!

COMING SOON!!!

Rose And The City MERCH!  Thanks to Cafe Press, there will soon be a line of "authentic" Rose and the City goods. T-shirts, Mugs, baby onesies and even DOG T-SHIRTS. Yes. I will pimp out your dog and mine for the greater good of my blog. No, I have no shame...

There will be a limited number of initial designs, but the collection will be added to and updated. Any suggestions or requests for designs are welcome and appreciated!

Plant Cemetery

I have a confession. It's weighing me down each and every day. I don't think I can live with myself until I get this off my chest....so here it goes....I am a plant killer. 

Falsities of the Misunderstood

It's time to play a little game, folks. It's called word association. I'm going to say a word, and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready? First word: Fat. Second word: Conservative. Third word: Atheist. For now, let's stick with those three. Chances are, you have conjured up some creative vernacular that describes your immediate gut reaction to those three words. Now, bear with me here, what you are about to read may surprise you.

Adventures in Baking

As many of you know, I attempted to make Greek Easter bread for Easter this year. It didn't turn out the way I hoped. It turns out the key ingredient is something called Mastiha, or mastic gum. Before I bore you with details of this weird spice, I thought I would share an amusing story.