Summer Survival

If you've been living in a cave every summer since the  beginning of time, fear not. I have compiled a list of the most important things to remember this summer vacation. Whether you will be sitting at home in an inflatable kiddie pool, throwing waterballoons filled with Jell-o at your neighbors dog, or going on an exotic vacation, you will need to follow this survival guide to summer, or you face an almost certain horrible death.

PS: If you are indeed going on an exotic vacation, I hate you, and I hope you get molested by a fat man in a Speedo. 

Going Gaga

Put your paws up, cause baby...I was NOT born this way....

I was reading Lady Gaga's tweets the other day. I noticed that she refers to all of her fans as Monsters. As in "Thanks to all my little monsters who came out to the show". It actually made me laugh out loud, and got me thinking. And now...I'm going Gaga.

Can You Hear Me NOW?

If I shove that smart phone up your ass, will it make you smarter?

 What's that? I'm having trouble hearing you.

LIfe's A Bitch...And Then You Marry One.

It's that time of year again...the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping and the maniacal brides have begun their annual decent, plunging their bedazzled talons into many an unsuspecting salesperson.

Bridezilla (n.): a perfectionist and extremely difficult bride. See also: acquired situational narcissism.

That's Not Chocolate....aka: The Story of Why I'm Not Black

This may come as a shock to you, but once upon a time, I was a very sweet and innocent little girl.
(pause for laughter to stop)

No, seriously. I was.

I was born on a Thursday morning. Really fucking early. None of this is relevant. What is relevant however, is that I was born with a birthmark on my left upper arm. This small brown circle has caused so much issue in my life, its actually rather ridiculous. We will stick to the point here and discuss the important fact, of how it's really not chocolate. And why I am not black.